Entertainment And Funnies - Page 38

Tomcat

Managed about 11.55 after a few tries, too much alcohol though to try properly at the moment,lol......

gazjacko

check my latest !!!(with original post)
got it by following one square then you only have to dodge 3!!!!

neevo

An Islamic school teacher was arrested today at Tel Aviv's Ben Gurion
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, an IDF spokesperson said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged with
carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us,"
the IDF spokesperson said. "They derive solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
values.

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to
every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Binyamin
Netanyahu' said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes."

flyingbrick

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch ofSainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid onhis way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. Thepoliceman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and
said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not beinghere tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked ,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering fromcomplete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Mrsmastiffs

but apologies to any irish folk as I really do not mend to offend anyone

These made me laugh!

Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Flatout Phil

You Tube

gazjacko

A new council tax re-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in
a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough
areas.

There is a huge council house in our street The extended family is run by a
grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs Her car isn't taxed or insured
and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing..

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper
blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but
nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in
nightclubs.. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle .

Wobbly Dave

I tell thee... this'uns reeet powerful...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Bosch-Garden-S...item1e5a484d28

HammyUK

Suicide Bombers Set For Strike Action

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Porcine_Aviator

So have you ever wondered which would come off better in a fight between an 850 T5 and a V70 T5 well now you can find out by going to Google
http://www.googlefight.com/index.php...2=volvo+v70+T5

And if you want to see who would win a fight between Cameron and Tomcat then click herehttp://www.googlefight.com/index.php...n&word2=Tomcat

ageinghipster

Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by about 15% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

ageinghipster

Sorry Hammy u beat me to it

ageinghipster

In a train are sat an Englishman, a frenchman a beautiful blonde and an old lady.

Suddenly the train goes into a tunnel, there is an almighty "Thwack" and sure enough, at the other end of the tunnel, the Frenchman has a red slap mark across his face.

The Blonde thinks " That Frenchman must have tried to touch me up touched up the old lady and she hit him. Good for her"

The old lady thinks "That Frenchie must have tried to touch up the blonde and she's smacked him. Good for her"

The Frenchman thinks " the Englishman must have tried to touch up the blonde, she thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "Can't wait to get to the next tunnel to hit the Frenchie again!!!"

Flatout Phil

Stick this under your V70R AWD...

You Tube

Porcine_Aviator

I would but I don't have a V70R AWD and I bet the installation instructions are all in Russian. To add to that I don't think that driving it on the open plains of Somerset would go down very well with the locals.

cameron

Neg's Burger Bowl Off..............

I tried to post the link but you tube wont let me, so go look for yourself, i nearly wet myself

HammyUK

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
House.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
Naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
Explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
Explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
Me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
Sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?

HammyUK

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual - "I've got a headache!"
"Perfect" her husband says.........
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with crushed asprin........................"

"You can take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you......................................"

neevo

NSFW

You Tube

Al115

This really amused me today:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8547875.stm

Make sure to listen to the audio...